How To Not Get Beaten Up By Bajrang Dal This Valentine’s Day?

Know-It-All In 30 Seconds

Valentine’s Day is all about love and dates. But some “cultured Indians” get in the way of all the fun. Here’s how you can avoid getting beaten up by these anti-valentines of Bajrang Dal!

What Is It All About?

It’s that time of the year when everyone is feeling lovey-dovey. People are either confessing their love or celebrating it in the most elaborate of ways. But since the coming of westernization, and commercialization, Valentine’s day has become more of a trend in the country.

Couples celebrate their love, go on dates, and buy each other presents. But sometimes, they are met with the fate of angry sexually-frustrated, culture-spewing, self-righteous people known to us Indians by various names. One of which is the Bajrang Dal. Here are 10 things you can do to avoid getting beaten up this v-day. Read On!

1. End It All

Give up. It’s all over. Text your bae that you’re ending the relationship and queue up some emo songs. Cry and accept your fate. Loneliness is better than death and injuries. Touché?

2. If You Can’t Beat Em, Join Em!

Isn’t that the motto of life? Join Bajrang Dal as a couple and pretend to be anti-valentine all while spending time together! It’s the best solution to avoid them.

3. All Indians Are My Brothers

Men. Listen up. Wear a rakhi on your hand. It acts like the cloak of invisibility for these men. They can’t see you holding hands and being lovey-dovey with bae! Even if it’s fake, they believe in brotherly love.

4. Be Gay

Yes. Even though it’s legan now, homosexuality is also “against Indian culture” but you can at least spend time with your bae. Still, be careful not to hold hands. And if you’re actually gay, then you camouflage pretty easily. These are sometimes we wish we were gay too!

5. Tie The Knot

Not kidding. Ok, we took that one a little far. But you can pretend to be married. Have some pictures taken like you’re married and keep documents handy. But don’t work too hard on it. Most of them are uneducated & generally frustrated so they can’t read or care much.

6. Take Advantage Of Your Parents

If you have liberal parents who know about your love stories, first of all, congratulations and let us tell you how lucky you are. Take advantage of them. Ask them to drive you guys around. You practically become John Cena to members of Bajrang Dal! Ask Mom or Dad to wear orange for extra protection.

7. Be Rich

Or have a politician on your side of the family. Preferably from the ruling party. Things are so smooth and easy if you’re one of these. Pay them to get out of the way or threaten them that you belong to an esteemed family. They give way in seconds. Don’t be surprised if they even lay out carpets for you and bae.

8. Travel

Since you can’t pretty much be anywhere in India and it’s too expensive to go outside the country immediately, we suggest you travel to another dimension. Discuss it with your bae and settle on a nice dimension where Bajrang Dal isn’t active. Its a tough task but we can do that for love can’t we?

9. Mandir Yahi Banega

Skip expensive restaurants and swanky cafes. Head to a temple. Nobody suspects this pristine location as a date place. And since you’re already going to hell anyway, what difference does it make if you make out behind the temple walls. Right?

10. Be Salman Khan

Or wear a mask. Nobody will come your way. The legal system can vouch for that. Also, remember to get the bracelet for extra protection.

And if you can’t do any of the things mentioned above, just make some stupid excuse, say something sappy like “I love you all year long and not just on Valentine’s Day”, and sit at home and binge-watch movies and eat ice cream.

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